Moments

I don't want to simply "see" the moment

I want to be in the moment

for far too long

I have been an observer

trying far too hard

to preserve some sense of control

the kind of control that eats away your soul

removes all spontaneity

and steals your spark

I have stepped into the dark

and felt what it feels like

to feel nothing much at all

but that nothing was something I needed to feel

it was painful

it was real

and it made me want to breathe freely again

healing wasn't easy

. . .isn't easy

. . . probably won't ever be easy

and that's okay

in the bookcase of my brain

overthinking

no longer claims the most space

upon these shelves

in this moment

I am living

and I'm learning

to be kinder

to myself